That damn package shelf cover was a nightmare. I pulled the factory service manual, checked plenty of forums, and still had no luck getting it 0ut of there. I freed it from the s-clip that holds it on, removed the lower c-pillar covers, but still no luck.
Due to the proximity of the SRS curtain airbags and per the factory service manual, I went ahead and disconnected the negative terminal on the battery. After doing that, I yanked the hell out of it, and after about 15 minutes of yanking while trying not to completely destroy it, I was able to get it off.
Had to run to Lowes to get some Kobalt torx-bit sockets in the appropriate size (tt45/50 it seems) for the seatbelt removal, so everything is still chilling in the back seat after this update. I did however disconnect the rear speakers, and they should be getting removed tonight.